Continuing to Soul Search…
I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. I still haven’t found what I’m looking for, I don’t know what to look for, but when I find it, I’m sure I’ll feel it.
Life amazes me every second of the day. The other day as I was reading up on The Greats I noticed that a lot of people didn’t officially become great until after 30 and on top of that, most didn’t graduate from College. It doesn’t surprise me. The most creative, proactive people were born with a bug inside of them that sparks flames of inspiration and drive. I know because one lives inside of me. The more you grow, the more it grows. The more food for thought you intake, the faster it brews your creative juices. I watched a movie last night called Divergent. Great movie if you haven’t seen it! It brought up a lot of questions that I have for the world. With all of the wrong doings, war, trafficking, abductions, racism, and murders, will our world one day be generated and controlled by a government that has separated our lives into categories based on a personality test? I think so, I mean I hope that shit kicks in long after I’ve lived for myself but believe these movies have some truth to them.
Right now I’m in a chapter of my life where I’m adjusting to complete independency. I am a born leader and I’ve always had that independent gene inside of me so the adjusting part isn’t hard, it just takes some getting used to. I am loving every moment of grind in my life right now. The only thing I would say that could use a good pick me up is my sex life. I’m dating new people but I’m not having sex with new people. I haven’t allowed myself to get that involved with anyone where I feel comfortable enough to screw them. I’ve come so close and I’m beyond sexually attracted to one guy I’m dating but I will not do it. I think I’m scared of what it may lead too….so I keep it safe. I’ve mentally allowed myself to only subject my body to one man that I feel completely comfortable with. A single monogamous women lol new generation bullshit, but I trust him and our chemistry is off the charts. The only issue is the availability with this man is out of control! I can admit my schedule is pretty full as well but at least it’s consistent so it’s easy to adjust or squeeze things in. I can’t say the same for him. I’m not blame gaming because we both would lose but I have to find a solution. I think it’s staring me dead in my face lol. Sista, move on! I have to tell myself to stop being afraid of someone new. Life is about taking chances, making mistakes, but still keeping it safe. But also I need to ask myself, is sex that essential to my life where it’s on my priority list?
Now that I live alone I go home every evening to make dinner, grab a glass of wine, burn my candles, hit Kevin Hart (my bong), and reflect on my day. I’m so thankful for where I am, but I’m so anxious to know what lies in my future. Will I reside in California or Colorado next year? Will I find a God fearing man who loves me unconditionally? Will I ever get married and start a family? Will I work in the fashion industry or become a free spirit entrepreneur with my own Marijuana dispensary store? I don’t know. I know I want it to experience so much in life. I know that right now I’m grinding to make a better life for myself. I’m pushing for a solid ground of my own. I want to be secure enough to fly first class to change the forecast whenever I want. I’m just now seeing how free I am! It’s just me! I can do whatever I put my mind too… and I will. Just continue to watch me work.